My degree is in Speech Communication, but don't let that fool you, I can also write. Take that last sentence, for example. I wrote that. And this one, too!


Still not convinced, try these lovely writing samples below.  




by Chris Gummert


Sullivan- Ok, who we got?


(Ted enters with a briefcase)


Sullivan- Ok, have a seat. Thank you for meeting with me today…Mr…ahhh…Newman is it?


Ted – Account first class Edward Reginald Newman. Employee ID number- 73279-D.


Sullivan- So you’re in accounting?


Ted - Account first class. Employee ID number- 73279-D.


Sullivan- Right I’ve got that much. Thanks. Mr. Newman, how long have you been with the company?


(Waits for an answer…none comes.)


Sullivan-Mr. Newman?


Ted- Account first class Edward Reginald Newman. Employee ID number- 73279-D.


Sullivan- Ok…um…thanks you Mr. New…


Ted- Account first class Edward…


Sullivan- THANK YOU! I get it. Thanks. Ok…Accountant first class Edward Newman…the new accounts receivable statements are very…


Ted- In accordance with the protocols set forth in the Geneva Convention I believe I am allowed a glass of water during an interrogation.


Sullivan- (gets glass of water.) I just want to get some information about how the company runs Mr. Newman. No one is interrogating you. In fact if you want to leave you’re free to do so. I don’t want to keep you if you have somewhere to be…


(Ted gets up…)


Sullivan- Sit down. I understand there was a little resistance to the idea of a consultant talking to the accounting department.


(Waits for an answer…a long time.)


Ted- I can neither confirm nor deny the existence of a resistance movement that may or may not have been located in the accounting department.


Sullivan- I never called it a resistance movement.


Ted- (spit take) Damn! I’ve said too much.


Sullivan-You haven’t said anything.


Ted- Haven’t I? Or have I given you so much that you just can’t wade through it all? Oh, you’re good Sullivan. Very good. But not good enough I’m afraid. No, you’ll get no more information from me you magnificent bastard!


Sullivan- What the hell is the matter with you?


Ted- 15 years in chartered accountancy will harden a man Sullivan. Play with his mind. Make him see numbers that ain’t really there! Oh, what was that? Was it a cost of living adjustment or was it a FICA adjustment? Who knows? A line item deduction? Who can say? It could be anything, or maybe it was just the notion of an idea of a memory. Who can tell? Out there Sullivan…out there all your neat little rules fade into obscurity. Out there the numbers dance Sullivan! Out there decimals swing from the rooftops while the dollar signs order out Chinese! Out there this pen is the only thing that separates us from total anarchy! I’m telling you Sullivan, I’ve been to the other side…and it ain’t pretty!


Sullivan- (Thinks this over) You’re an accountant?


Ted- I am a freedom fighter.


Sullivan- You add and subtract!


Ted- (Emits an evil chuckle to himself) I pity you Mr. Sullivan. You’re so close and yet so far away. You have no vision. Can you not see what is on the horizon? Open your eyes. We can’t hold the numbers at bay forever. They’ve grown too powerful! The numbers are taking over. We are only their pawns. We are simply clearing the human debris fields so they can rise up and claim their spot in the pantheon of Gods! Don’t you see? Soon we will have a clean and orderly society ruled by the numbers. Bwah-ha-ha-ha-ha-ha-ha-ha!


Sullivan- I thought you weren’t gonna tell me anything!


Ted- Curse your handsome face, you’re better than I thought. I don’t know who trained you Sullivan, but I applaud their work. You are truly a marvel. Hold on…(reaches into his pocket and takes out a calculator. He starts talking to it like a cell phone) …yes master? Yes. I see. Understood. I will make it so. SIC SEMPER TYRANIS! (Hangs up.)


Sullivan- I think I’ve seen enough. You can go.


(Ted walks to the door and puts on a tinfoil hat he had in his briefcase. Ted turns around when he reaches the door.)


Ted- Sullivan? I…I like you. When the revolution comes, I’ll kill you last!